The Worst Month of the Year

who wants my job?
leh long leh long.

its very ok wan..

You only need to do the work of 8 people, let your superiors claim credit for it, cover the shit that is coming from on top and maintain your sanity. While receiving half the pay of a road sweeper.

On top of that, you have to play the forever losing game of office politics.

(authors note: I tried to write the scenario of what happened. But it turned out to be so complicated, if I finished writing it, I think I can become Minfong Ho.)

I'm so pissed I almost fainted from anger just now...

My head was literally swimming..

Guess wad? I got scolded for NOTHING. NOTHING at all!
I got scolded by a person under me, for nothing! Just because he was angry.

Like wtf?

No. I do not have the power of a sergeant or a godlike officer to fucking kick his ass or give him extra. So what to do?
suck thumb lah!

Cos even if I explain the situation to him, he wouldn't understand it. And even if he did, he wouldn't believe it.

ARRRGHH!! I don't even want to think about it. It makes me pissed just thinking about it.

Polar bear Polar bear Polar bear
Cute baby seals Cute baby seals Cute baby seals
Little hamsters Little hamsters Little hamsters.

FUCK!!!
I can't even concentrate on doing my work just thinking about it.

Am I supposed to go up to him and lovingly tell him. "Look there is a misunderstanding?"
Nah beh. He's most likely going to curse my mum and dad and every single one of my ancestors if possible before I could finish the sentence!

and don't start with the, "how do you know if you havn't even tried" thing.

would you go into the den of starving lions and say, "Hi! I would like to explain to you why you shouldn't eat me."
I'm sure an angel would come down and clamp the lion's mouth shut.



screwed up world.



I feel like giving up everything you know.
If not for the fact that I KNOW that nobody else will take the shit that I'm taking, I wouldn't even bother doing this shitty fucked up thing.



This is by far the most stressed up month of my entire year. And it HAD to be December.

My parents expect me to do a hell lot of things.
The church wants me to do a hell lot of things.
My WORK demands me to do a hell lot of things.

everybody expects so much of me... why on earth do I even bother?

............ so many people are telling me to quit.
Just throw everything away.

Don't even bother about the slightest thing anymore...

I really.. really want to do that.




But I can't!!!!!
I CAN'T!!!!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'M UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, BLAMED AND DEVALUED, I WILL NOT LET ANOTHER PERSON SUFFER FOR THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY!

BECAUSE I AM NOT A COWARD!

... If I cannot be the eagle, I will still be the wind beneath it's wings..
I'll never be appreciated. But within my short life span, I can lift up the eagle high up...

you won't understand.
nobody will.
cause if they did, they won't tell me to quit.

its a battle that I have always been fighting... alone.









I just wonder... does God even know? Is this a counterbalance for the sins I've committed?


Now I really know why some people who take my position want to commit suicide.

Nonchalant Thoughts.

I guess nobody really understands me.

No one.

It's wrong to work hard.
It's wrong NOT to work hard.

... really pissed.

I mean, some people actually want my dad to talk to LKY to complaint about army.

wow. I didn't know that my dad was so powerful!

zzz...

"... i didn't know I had such a useless boyfriend."

ok.

yeah. I'm useless.

... yeah... I know... I've been useless all along for so many years.

I'm useless because I do whatever I've been told...
I'm useless because I do not stand up for myself...
I'm useless because I just strive to give the best in everything I do...

I know I'm being exploited..

But given a choice between having an easy, boring life, compared to a life that is blazingly hardworking.. I think i'd choose the latter...

Yes, it's true that I'm stressed.

and it's true that I do have a choice not to do my work.

But what would happen otherwise?

Would another person be assigned to do it? - No.
Would another person be forced against his will to do it? - Yes.
Would people get angry for that? - Yes.
Would people suffer for that? - Yes.
Would people's trust get severed? - Yes.

... I just don't think that all this is worth me pushing away my responsibilities or tasks...

I know that SAF is a screwed up, F***** up organization.

But since I'm not given a choice not to serve, I'd might as well give it the best I have!

If everybody had the mentality that SAF is screwed up and thus be screwed up, of course things will never change...





If I could rank my personality I think that I'm a

1) Stubborn
2) Selfless
3) Christian

I'm stubborn. Stubborn to the point of stupidity. If I truly believe in something, I will be blind to everything else. I will accept no other opinions, and no other answers, unless every single evidence around me crumbles to dust.

I'm selfless. In the retarded way. I would rather suffer then cause many friends and people I love around me to suffer in the slightest way. I would rather die then let the whole world suffer a day because of me.

I believe that "Christian" is a personality. Because of its value that has been drilled into me.
"Do unto others what you would want others to do unto you."
"Love your enemy."
"Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength."



sigh...



Does anybody truly understand my conflict?
I don't think so.



...I really don't think so...

Tank - Qing Tian Yu

你说你是雨天
而我是太阳耀眼
说我不适合出现在
你住的灰色世界
想晒干你的泪
却被你简单拒绝
在我手心里的温度
好想要分给你一点
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
你说你不怕黑
一个人也无所谓
独自撑伞走过伤悲
不再和爱有关联
我想要带你飞
飞向彩虹的另一边
我们搬进幸福的里面
一直到永远的永远
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨

晴天雨天谁说只能对立
我偏偏只想和你在一起
美丽美丽好浪漫的晴天雨
我们的天空不再孤寂
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
让我期待晴天下的雨
让我们的天空不再孤寂



...


you said you're the rain
and I'm the blinding sun...
you said that in this gray, sad world,
it would be impossible for us to be together

I wanted to dry your tears
but you simply rejected me
All I wanted was to give you
the bit of warmth that was in my hand

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...

Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I want to do is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?



You said the darkness don't scare you,
that you don't mind loneliness..
Carrying your pain and anguish alone
Hoping love never crosses your path again...

I wish I could fly and carry you
To the other side of the rainbow
Where we can live out the rest of our lives
In happiness and comfort

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...

Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I really want is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?

Who says the sun
Who says the rain,
must only exist alone?
I don't care... all I want is to be together with you
It's so beautiful to see rain on a sunny day
Where our skies will never be lonely ever again...

Who says I can't hope for the sun and the rain?
I just want to be together with you...
Today, and forever, I don't ever want to be apart
Please, let me wait for the rain to fall on my sunny day,
So our skies will never be lonely again...

it's so lonely at night.... even the stars don't blink much anymore..

you're so near, yet so far...

have I been a good boyfriend?...

I guess I tried my best...

I did...




Dear God, do you want me to be with Alvin? :


I was staring at a dewy, forsaken web. It looked so broken, nothing could ever, ever make it a home.
I challenged God and asked for something almost impossible to happen. I asked for life in that web.

I asked God for a sign.
Immediately, a little spider suddenly jumped up and startled me till I fell flat on my butt on the ground.


I asked God for a sign again.
Immediately, a larger, lighter brown spider jumped up and bit the little spider. The spider struggled then broke its leg and ran away.

I asked God for one last sign.
I closed my eyes... and when I opened, the web was empty again. There was nothing left.





I challenged Him to give me an answer.

He gave me an answer.

It was no coincidence.

But now my heart feels more pain then ever before...



.. I wished I never asked...

Please... Don't go...

Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears that hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
-
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
-
Ten to five at least we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
-
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
-
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

it's... all over...












































































































*cries*

Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied,

"Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."

Holiday Cheers! - or not.

You know there are good days, and bad days....

then there are good holidays, and bad holidays...

Zzz.. It's funny, when you're always loaded with so much stuff to do, then when you're thrown with holidays, you have no idea what to do with it...

seriously....


=/


anywayz, on a heavier note, the month of December marks the start of my cutting month.

ARRGH!!! WTF WTF WTF!!! KPKBBPBPSBSBKNNBCCB!!!
%@!$@(!

Jeez. Wish I had planned my training schedules more accurately...

I can't eat Christmas goodies now.... So I'll stick to baking, making or just smashing them.

Well, I'm going to be making the following this Christmas

1) Christmas Fruit Cake! (yup, with brandy and walnuts, almond, macadamias and lots of fruits!)

2) Christmas flavored chocolate chip cookies! (Chocolate chip cookies with a snap of ginger and cinnamon!)

3) Christmas pudding! (ok. I havn't the vaguest idea how to make a christmas pudding, but I just wanna give it a try.)

4) Istanbul... no... TURKEY!! heh heh heh... (well, it's one of the few christmassy stuff that I can sink my teeth into!)

5) Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake! (soft and fluffy chocolate mousse cheesecake!)

hmm.. Yup, I think I'll just stick with these five for the time being...

almost all five of them are uber sinful, but I think I'd just let other people get fat...



haha....



I tried doing HIIT today round my estate. I think I looked like a uber stupid idiot...
Fast - slow - fast - slow - fast slow...

People who see me sprinting would be thinking that I'm mad or I'm chasing a thief.

People who see me jogging would be thinking I'm dying cos I'm breathing so hard.

=X

Not good. I think I'd stick to the stationary bike next time.

Anywayz, I've managed to up my HIIT intervals to 15 intervals... So that should do it for now until next January.



and on a happier note, my mum has finally agreed with me that an electric toothbrush works better then a manual toothbrush!!
yes. We had a debate on that.

versus

I always thought that an electric toothbrush cleans better then a manual toothbrush.

isn't it?

My mum always said, "Electric Toothbrushes are for LAZY PEOPLE."
huh?

oh... uhh... then , "Mum.. why are you using a water heater for hot water? Shouldn't you be like boiling the water in the traditional way and pouring it into the tub?"

err.... no sense right?

ha.

Yay. I'm going to get myself an electric toothbrush for Christmas...

*grins*

I've always prided myself in my white teeth.. xD